Pre Employment Drug Screening
Today I had to Pee in the old Cup- I have taken pre-employment drug screening tests before but today was very militant- After waiting for an hour and half my name was finally called-I followed a short young man into a small room-I was asked to lock my purse and objects from my pockets into a small cabinet then place the key around my neck- I then followed this young man towards a bathroom- He told me to wash my hands at the sink outside the room- For some unknown reason, I was thinking he was going to test on how well I clean my hands- So I scrubbed them very well-He was waiting patiently for me in the bathroom- I thought "is he going to be in here while I pee in my cup? Well Ok- that doesn't freak me out- I am sure he has seen it all"-(made me think who wants his job?) But he just went through the militant procedure of showing me the cup, it had not been tampered with- It was still sealed until he opened it infront of me- He gave me the cup and said "you can fill it half full and don't flush the toilet"- I thought "good because I drank a lot of water and orange juice before I came and I probably could fill two of these" The toilet had a blue dye inside it and a couple small drops on the toilet seat- I asked what that was but he was walking away and I couldn't hear what he said but later I was told by a friend it was just a certain type of blue dye to prevent people from diluting their pee- I took some toilet paper and wiped the spilled blue dye from the seat and began the comical peeing in a cup- One problem arose while after I had filled up my cup, I had no where to place my cup, and being a girl and all, we need to use toilet paper and only having one free hand, I spilled a little of my pee on my hand while I was tearing the toilet paper off- Only if they had camera's in that room- And with one hand it was very difficult pulling up my pants and buckling my belt- TRAUMA! but very funny- So I didn't flush like he asked and I opened the door with pee on my hand (GERMS) He asked me to place the cup on the back of the toilet and then he proceed to show me how he was pouring my pee into another small container and sealing that- Then he said I could wash my hands- I scrubbed them!- I followed him back to the small room and he taped the small pee container and had me date & initial it- Then it was carefully placed inside a plastic bag- The whole procedure was so precise and militant, it made me think of the (one bad egg) person who failed a drug test then had accused some company of improper procedures- There has been times in my life when I would not have passed a drug test- But that wasn't today- So all the careful preciseness didn't freak me out- Oh wait I had a Poppyseed bagel on friday- How much is a trace when you're talking about drug screening tests?
The Count Down is Almost Over
December 1, 2005
Now it is safe to talk in detail about the stress I have unwilling inflicted upon myself- Any of you currently working in a
Toxic environment? This is not chemically toxic but emotionally and mentally toxic- I finally said
Enough is Enough- I began looking for another job about 2 months ago- It has panned out and I accepted a job with another company (I will tell you about that job later) I gave my 2 week notice and life began to appear brighter- Then my co-worker gave notice-
Sweet Justice- Then my other co-worker gave notice-
Sweet Revenge- My last day would have been tomorrow but she told me to hand in my keys today after lunch- I didn't argue with that- I was out of there faster than a meteor crashing to Earth- I am FREE- I was pretty upset that some people were sneaky and lying up til the end- I WANT MY BOWL!! I had left a dish/bowl at work and it mysteriously disappeared- I am pretty positive I know who took it because she took it once before and I found it in her office- I am NOT stupid- I might act all naive but it is all an act! About 2 months ago office politics exploded in my usually "high functioning" office- I will say it was all the New girls doing- She had an agenda and I didn't realize it- I talked openly about my frustrations and she then turned around and told other people- My Boss, My best Co-worker, and anyone else who would listen- Here is the clincher-
She rearranged everything I said- So It looked as if I was "Bashing" work and the people I work with- I have never been involved in work related "Office Drama" (aka...Unadulterated Bull Shit)- I tried to clear my reputation but no one believed me- So compare my 3 years of loyal, exemplary work record VERSES her 4 months of just smiling- We all signed a sheet of paper stating we would not talk about this with other workers and if we did we would be terminated- Which I tried very hard not to do- But I had to clear my NAME- This created so much PARANOIA for me- Who do you TRUST?- So for 2+ weeks my best co-workers thought I had said horrible things about them- My boss hated me- She loved me before all this-Afterwards she was really NASTY to me and I am sure if she could she would have spit on me- Who needs that Bull Shit- Two months later, my best Co-worker and I had a long POW WOW and the
truth was finally said out loud- Even if it was just among us two- Because we weren't allowed to discuss anything with each other we laughed as we shared the fact we both had found other jobs and would be quitting around the same time- Life is tooo short and I can go do this kind of work for people that are FUNCTIONAL- So I got another job- I will be working for a liquor distributor- All my family and friends laugh at that- I am not sure why- It must be a good fit- I just saw and job posting for Administrative Assistant- I didn't go looking for a certain company- I am very happy this transition is taking place right now- I feel real positive and my usual tunnel vision appears to be wide angle now- Wish me GOOD LUCK, because my former boss didn't say a god damn thing to me- Good riddance!
Found Glove
Remember seeing one lost glove out laying on the side of a road- Half of a pair- Lost- Tossed out on the side of roads, randomly dropped in parking lots, dropped carelessly outside near mall entrances- Are you the kind of person who notices these poor halves of pairs- I am- They lost their reasons to function- They lost their soulmates- Their partners in crime- Their other halves for Crissake-Most of us have two hands, we need two gloves- And we need them to match-Last night I
accidentally dropped one of my FAVORITE winter gloves in the Walgreens parking lot- Except I didn't know I had lost it until like 5 hours later when I was walking out of the Cub grocery store- I opened my car door and saw one fuzzy little black glove sitting on the side of the drivers chair on the floor- Looking like it was ready to jump once someone opened the car door- I knew instantly that the other half had been dropped randomly somewhere out in the universe- I went into panic mode- I decided I would do whatever Saratee possible to track down my other black fuzzy glove- I remembered I had taken them off while driving in the car and placed them on my lap (that was stupid) Then I remembered I had stopped by Walgreens to get a prescription and browse their Holiday candy (I had cut out coupons from the newspaper) The Walgreens parking lot is where I will start- Luckily for me, it also ended there too. In the dead of night, I pulled up and not a car insight I scanned the ground- I saw a small flattened black thing- My Glove!! The water-logged mass which started out at approx 2 oz had soaked up enough water it was now approx 4 lbs- It had been run over by a car (I saw tread marks) but overall it was in good condition- It would only need a good washing- I found my FAVORITE winter glove- Hallalluia- I tossed it into my car- But by morning with the 22 degree weather my fuzzy black glove was frozen stiff and glued to the bottom of my floormat- I love my black fuzzy winter gloves!
Karen's Phone Number
My roommate put a book of matches in the bathroom
(Some people use air freshener and some people use matches- I am not here to judge) The reason why I am writing about this- Is because inside the matchbook has 2 phone numbers- This makes me smile- I know this is a common late night drunken practice-
"Can I get your number?"
"Do you have a pen?"
"Yea, let me get something to write it down on"
"Here is a matchbook"
"Oh perfect"
"Are you ready? When do you think you'll call me?"
This makes me laugh thinking about the time Karen gave up her phone number at
The James Pub and Grill in Boulder, Colorado- The other phone number just has a MN infront of it- What does that mean- Is it abbreviations for
Maybe Not or Someone's initals? The area code doesn't correspond with Minnesota area codes- My roommate hasn't lived in Colorado for many, many, many years but the matchbook has never been used until recently- Do you think Karen or
Maybe Not are still at that number? Let's try
The Night before Thanksgiving
Smell Like a SmokeStack
I didn't break the wagon rules- I didn't bring booze
into the house- However tonight, I drank OUT of the house which was very amusing- I swear the cover charge included
"You have to be over the age of 35" Which unfortunately I am very close to- The bar hoppers were so out of my element it was funny- I like to stir up situations and tonight there was one dude that was having a GREAT time-He saw me giggling at him, after I saw him, wearing his black leather jacket, ponytale, and dancing all sly, strut his stuff towards the table next to ours which had 5 ladies (all in his age bracket) After the 5 ladies all turned him down he did the snake eyes to me (he pointed to his eyes then pointed to me, like
I see you looking at me) which kinda scared me in the beginning but later on while walking to the bathroom we caught glances and I returned the snake eyes back- With a slight smirk I knew we were "Buds"- However with my drunken stupidity I exchanged Snake Eyes him through out the night- God help Me- I am very drunk because they had
$1.00 beers at the Whiskey Junction in Minneapolis- OOooh boy, Biker Boys GALORE- But after the first bathroom break they
just disappeared (must not have liked the band) -The real deal, no phonies at this bar- I have never been frightened around bikers but tonight I saw a couple of them checking me out and I remembered I didn't have a date or boyfriend or brother in law to watch out for me- I was a sittin duck- On our way home back to St Paul we stopped at a small bar near my home and the 20 minutes that I was inside, I swear I shaved 4 years off my life- It was soo smokey- Minneapolis has a smoking ban and St Paul has the
smoke em if you got em- The fun didn't start until I was about to get in bed and I went to lay down and my stinky smoky hair passed by my ultra sensitive nose and all my queasy stomach contents came right up (multiple times) So the poor planning of getting very drunk the night before Thanksgiving could actually be turned into a positive thing
How Not to Over Eat at Thanksgiving
Quack Producktions
Here are the small drawings I did for my brother-in-law's music management business- It started out as
Strange Duck Productions- Now it is called
Quack Producktions- Look for your Quack Producktions Tee-shirts at a website near you
Pretty Funny
I just remembered we decided to change the underwater duck's leg shape- crap Matt is it too late? (poor memory)
Freelancer at Large
These are the Freelance drawings I did for a friend- My friend(brother-in-law) is a musician/music manager and he and his friend JP Beausoleil were once in a band together-The Wild Whiskey Boys- That band is currently on permanent hiatus but JP Beausoleil the bohemian musician is still driven to play music and live a bohemian lifestyle- I believe the small watercolors will be used for business cards and such- Check out his websites
Hands Off the Sauce, if You Can Remember
I was telling my mother how in the last two years my memory has started to fade fast- And it is really starting to frighten me- She looked right at me and asked "Do you drink alcohol?" I looked around the room and said in a real unconvincing way "Yes, but not a lot." She and I concluded that the sauce has evaporated my memory-
Cat Naps are Good for You
This whole week I have been a busy lady- Well I should be honest and say it- A Lazy Lady- The daylight savings switch kinda messed me up- Coming home after work and it is almost dark- I have natural human/animal instincts which are controlled by light- I get very sleepy and actually take a nap at 5:00- I haven't taken adult naps since in my mid-20's when I worked 9-5 and at 5:30 started Happy Hour until 2 am-I guess taking cat naps after work helps with the fact that I got on a wagon- It is a small wagon but a wagon nonetheless- Hence my humor is gone- Although right before I fall asleep, I write the best stories- The only problem- They are all written inside my head and not on paper- Yes- you remembered..... I have short term memory problems and all those great stories are lost floating around in my fleshy fatty mass called a brain-
Here's Your Sign
Redneck Royalty
Tonight I was treated like Redneck Royalty- My redneck sister Jennifer knows someone, who knows someone and she got free tickets to the Bill Engvall stand up show- Whoooeeeee- We even got free Meet & Greet passes- Damn who does she know?? I guess anytime any of the Blue Collar Boyz or ALL of them come into town she dials her friend and Whala- Free Tickets and Meet & Greet Passes-
We were late to arrive to the Meet & Greet and actually had to wait a bit for security to figure out how to get us down into the bowels of the Orpheum Theatre- So by the time we got there everyone was coming up the stairs and would say "You better hurry up, He is getting ready to leave" Crap, I can't walk that fast I am a cripple- My sisters were shoving me down the steps to hurry me along- When we walked into the strange creepy basement room- There was approximately 5 people still standing around with ear to ear grins-It was strange like no one was talking- It was like Bill had a spotlight on him- Bill saw us come into the room and with a big smile on his face said "You're Late! You almost missed me" (or something like that I actually can't remember, I have short term memory problems) The whole room laughed and my sister Jennifer with her ear to ear grin immediately handed him her meet & greet pass where pen ready he signed his autograph- Then her friend Abby, then my other sister Anne and then me- See I don't believe in autographs- I think they are weird- But the deer in the head light person I had become, with ear to ear grin shoved my meet & greet pass up to him where he kindly gave me his autograph- My sister Jennifer was making small talk with him as I turned around to dig for my camera, I heard Bill say in his nice Texan drawl "Do you have a camera? Oh sure she does" I turned around and my two sisters Jennifer & Anne and my sisters' friend Abby and Bill were already posing for the camera- A nice lady next to me asked "Do you want me to take the picture for you?" I said "Yes, Thank you" I ran over to be in the Redneck Kodak moment (Friends & Family Please remind me to get new batteries for my camera) I wasn't thinking correctly and should have gotten one with just Bill & myself-Then that was it, we filed out of the meet & greet- I had barely met him- Lets go back and order him a drink and really meet him (I guess we felt rushed-we thought we'd better leave, let him get ready- Honestly, it was weird peolpe just straring at Bill but kool) As we made our way to our seats which were great (and did I mention FREE) Abby & Jennifer joked that they should have whipped out there bra and had him sign that- My sisiter starting laughing and said maybe he would have signed her Butt (or something like that she was laughing and pointing to her butt) I am sure glad I had my camera readying if any shirt came off or pants were pulled down- We got to our seats and I was looking around at all the people and thought- These Minnesotan rednecks don't looks so freaky- They are the same people that I would see at a hockey game- It wasn't until the last five minutes before the show when all the freaky rednecks took there seats- Whoooeeeeee- Some Nascar /snowmobile winter jacket wearing Frozenecks (my name for a Minnesota Redneck) See I like to surround myself with pretty people- Not tonight- The show was a good time of knee slapping, craning head back honking laughing, bumping my head on the seat infront of me Funny- Good Night, Good Night indeed!
Supernatural Massage
So most of you know that I am a tad bit off my rocker, the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, I am not the brightest tadpole in the pond (I made up that metaphor) I am one burner short (or however that metaphor goes) Well my roommate is a Massage Therapist and the other night I got a massage- Most people would LOVE free massages but NOT me (well, Yes to the free part, No to the massage part) I am not into massages like most people are- I don't know why? But I really needed a massage- Like in a medical way, not just for the pure relaxing pleasure (they hurt!) I usually yelp when she touches me and that is when she is just warming up- Wait around until she is rubbing all the stress knots out like I am a ball of silly puddy- The yelping is sometimes confused for a domestic- Luckily the police have never showed up- Anyways, I was in really really really bad shape and I finally locked in an appointment- I wasn't feeling very good and I almost cancelled- I was half asleep and decided I could relax and be real sleepy while she gave me a FREE massage- It was Tuesday at 8 pm- Here is the ODD part- Like most of her clients (or ANY massage experience) she plays very mellow & relaxing music- For my massage, I knew the TV show
Supernatural was on and requested that the TV stay on so I could listen to it- Sounds of harps or flutes compared to suspenseful demonic screaming- Which one would you choose? Hey I never said I was
normal- And I couldn't see the body language (two hot guys) Listening to a TV show while getting a massage is one thing but a scary, creepy one like that is another- It was good- In a medical way
Mis-Sung Lyrics
I never sing OUT LOUD- not even if I am ALONE- never really have- Well I used to sing Opera (I was just making loud Opera-like noises that would scare my dog) but that doesn't count- I have the worst voice ever- So I Lyp Sync- If I love a song I will pretend that the person singing is really me (man or woman doesn't matter) I usually play air guitar or air drums- Because I have very bad short term memory, I can never remember lyrics- I have bad hearing too and most of the time I can never make out what some singers are singing- So recently I looked up the lyrics to a Ryan Adams song and was surprised that I was Lyp Syncing totally different words- He was singing "I am missing a page" and I was lyp syncing "I miss Sam & Paige" Maybe that is why I don't sing out loud because I can never get the lyrics right- I won't quit my day job!Any other Lyrics mis-sung by you folks out there? Like..... don't fear the Reaper otherwise sung Don't fear the Refer
Dia de Los Muertos
The Day of the Dead- All Souls Day- This is part of my offrenda (small offerings) Some day I will make it to Mexico and celebrate in true fashion-SPOOOOKY
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